HEART'S CRY

I lost a job from my dream company.  A company I had followed all of my adult life.  To take this position, I had to resign from my contract coaching work with teams of people doing amazing work. It was a sudden and soul shattering experience.  And yet, this shakedown had been coming for years. My typical response to pain and shame is to fight back or completely freeze and I circled between these two responses for months.   Mostly, I pulled the curtains and ignored phone calls, emails and people.  Feeling weak and wimpy is the worst feeling for me and I will do whatever it takes to avoid this sense of helplessness.  My typical Operating Procedure is to get to work or at least get really really busy.  Focus on the work that needs done and the pain in the world instead of the pain in me. Self-care which is a popular term in education and social work annoyed me BEYOND measure.  For someone like me who grew up in the culture I did and with the past experiences I had.... this did not work f

  Devastated.  This is the only word I can find to describe the shape of my mind and heart once I had time to have a good, long look at it. For the past 10 years, I have provided support and coaching to childcare providers, teachers and teams as they implement new ways of meeting their own needs and the needs of the children and families they serve. I resigned from working with these people I loved to take a new position. We had decided to move to be close to a Grandson and start again so I took a position at an organization I thought would be the fulfillment of my work life.  A people I respected and followed for years.  When this short-term effort failed, I failed too.  During this time of working multiple projects, my three boys grew up and began their own lives.  My husband and I decided it was time to resign from the ministry we had been in as lead Pastors for 29 years.  My yard and refuge of permaculture trial and error was left behind and we moved into a small townhouse. For the

   I have not written in this blog for years and I begin in with an intention to simply write.  Not worry about who is reading and what others think.  Simply to write.   I go to the Truck Stop on Saturday mornings and other times where I really need to focus and read.  It seems contrary for focused attention and yet it works for me. It is one of those great spots where the sign says, "Seat yourself," so I found my spot in a corner booth.  My favorite waitress brought coffee and a smile.  As I organized my books and notebook and waited for my eggs and toast, I savored the sounds. Closest to me is an older couple and a grandson talking about the projects they want to tackle today. A young gentleman talked to his partner on the speaker phone, telling her about the "locals and travelers" all eat here.  Then he listened to a sitcom for many to hear.   A family speaking Spanish laughed and shared breakfast at a large table nearby.  The children laughing and the adults tal

How can I describe the vortex of feelings wreaking havoc on my mind and heart right now?  The passion and incredible respect and pride and grief.  Now is my time to weep.  To mourn.  To celebrate.  To learn and to grow. We just returned home from a mission trip with Royal Family Kids Camp.  Over thirty on site staff,  over twenty special visitors, teams of people before, during and after camp volunteering hundreds of hours, thousands and thousands of dollars... all to give children the opportunity to know they are loved and experience a thousand moments that matter!  Here are just a few. To experience love and the amazing outdoors. To touch dead bees, leaves, flowers, bugs, snakes, dirt and explore the wilds of the plains and learn about creation To drive ATV's and ride horses To swim and have massive water fights To make string art, sensory bottles, spin art, paint, duct tape and draw to their heart's content To climb a rock wall To play GA GA BAll and shoot archer

Setting goals and actually following through on them, is a formidable proposition for me.  Accepting my gifts, strengths, intuition, vision and the desire of my heart is an act of audacity.  Annihilating them through sabotage is so much easier. So my days, weeks and months slip by. Kept busy by my own tortured and divided heart and mind.  A dream or an idea comes to mind and fuels my soul.  A phone call would put this in motion.  I may take steps to move forward.  Then, without fair warning, the other part of me is tripping me up.  In my minds eye, it is heartbreaking. This vivacious enthusiastic young girl with boundless energy runs along the path.  Her arms are up in the air and her eyes shining with passion.  She spins in circle full of joy.  The wind and sun on her face is exhilarating and fuels her on.  An uphill climb is heartening, and she accepts the challenge.  Her heart pounds with joy as she tackles one hill after another.  "Further in and further up!"  She is

I have wanted to write since I was a little girl.  I LOVE words!  Looking them up, listening to them, saying them, thinking about them and curious about them.  Books fascinate me and I take notes and compare with notes from other books and write about those connections.    More than words, I love stories.  I want to hear yours!  When I'm in the grocery store, or at Walmart or at a meeting and something you say invokes curiosity...I want to know more about you!  I wonder about your story and your past and your pain.  I think about your hopes and your fears and wonder how you overcame them.  The ending of a great book becomes the be For me, words are the expression of our hearts.  What I don't love...Grammar, punctuation and knowing I get things turned around so much of the time.  When I think about what I can't do or how I can't do it the way I want to do it...I don't write. For me, this is the same as when I hold my breath.  I hold my breath when I think I&