HEART'S CRY

Watching Michael and Caleb drive off this morning from the arms of my husband is what my life is all about.   And yet.... I can't wrap my head around improving my health.   My family is my life.  So why does this not motivate me to do something to stop the ravages of diabetes on my body?   I've been here.  I know what this disease does to people.  I watched my Aunt die piece by piece.    A Grandpa, a Grandma, Great Aunts and others whose lives were cut short because of this.  And yet excuse after excuse later.... I'm going down the same road.  I try to laugh about it.  I try to ignore it.  I avoid it.  I change the subject when my family brings it up.  So popping the handful of pills into my mouth won't change my life.  Hiding my head in a hole isn't going to help. I learned last night in my Gardner class that trees don't heal.  They compartmentalize the wounded are...

Oh what a little sense of achievement and control I now feel.   Limiting myself to the twenty dollars in my pocket, I walked into Staples to do a little window shopping and planning for my son's graduation.   I find myself (at weird times) anxious with graduation planning, furnishing and upcoming tuition.   So trash can and index cards and tablecloths in hand knowing that I'm hunting it down and bringing it home...just made me feel a little more on top of it! I can do this!  

I turned 42 yesterday.  Just saying it makes me cringe.  Birthdays have never been fun for me.  A mile marker in my life's journey.  Another step.  Another chapter.  I've tended to look at it as a spot in the road to look back and see if I have made progress and usually disappointed.   But that is not how God intends me to live.  Counting birthdays as mile markers on a road.  Last night as I enjoyed the evening and the sacrifice of love my boys gave to me (by watching sappy movies with me) and hanging out in my pj's all day.   I'm not in just one spot on a path and in time.  I'm all of those experiences and relationships wrapped up in to one chubby energetic mama ball of wisdom.   And...I'm Just getting Rolling!!!!!!! My heart's cry for the next 42 years but especially for the next one...  To live completely and in wholeness. To be a woman of complete Integrity.  Whole.  Not f...

 Why Less is Powerful?  The first chapter of Leo Babauta's book, "The Power of Less.  The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential."  I bought this book without knowing that subconsciously I was hoping for a magic pill or a specific how to list in simplifying by overly stuffed and packed life.  No magic pill included.   The world view and philosophy behind the work does not match my own.  Knowing that allows me to read the book for the tools and strategies that I can pull from it and apply to my life.  I will share these great strategies with you.  But not yet. But for true simplicity-I have to have the mind of Christ.  To know Him.  To endeavor with every ounce of my being to follow his example.  The example He has given of dying to self.  Of how He sees and does and is.   To BECOME Less. True simplicity and contentment can not be found.  It is given.  It is not manufactur...

Seeing the old children's saddle in the old tack shed covered with the dust of history brought back the memories of a little girl's dreams.  Picking it up and wiping it off I took it from its perch carting it home to Nebraska.  But it didn't belong.  It needed to be loved, dreamed in and used.  Creating memories in the imagination of a little girl or boy carrying them toward all that life has for them. My sister's little girl is just that dreamer who needed a saddle just for her.  So back to South Dakota it went.  It was in desperate need of love, labor and use. My brother in law sent me the picture of the rebuilt, cleaned and oiled little saddle.  Surprised by the burst of emotion that ran down my face as it took me back to the dreams of a little girl. I was a little girl and My Grandpa, I had been told was coming to see us.   I kept watch from our basement house window well that faced the drive way waiting for him t...

The moment that I became a mother my life changed.  This deep desire to gather my loved ones exploded. I have always taken care of myself.  Then my sisters began to arrive and I intuitively felt the need to mother them.   Marriage found me contented.  We wrestled with our old patterns of being and doing until we made our own.   Then my boys.  The treasures of my heart.  Times like these I just want to call them all home and wrench them to me and push back the world for a time. I tend to mother everyone.  The kids.  The youth.  The older people.  The coaches.  Whomever.   In fact tonight while I'm away I've fretted for my husband and my youth group.  But tonight it is my boys that I long to draw close.  Cook something...or maybe not.  Maybe buy something.  Curl up with a good movie or a book like when they were little and popcorn. Will I ever grow out of this?  ...

Thoughts of simplicity and "less"  continues to sweep past leaving a deep longing in my heart.   I can't have it all.  I don't want it all.  I want much much less. Less.  (Websters Defined) Smaller amount. Lower rank and importance. To a smaller extent.  Not so much. Less should only be used when speaking about uncountable things.  So for example.  Less money.  Less time.   Less overwhelmed. Less burden. Less stress. Less stuff. Less junk. Less information. Less news. Less disruption. Less distraction. Less full. Less loaded.  Less fragmentation. Less divided. Less committed. Less of me. Less. The Power of Less. I'm leaving February wanting less urgent and more essential and important. Wanting to be less busy and more effective. Less distracted and more focused and intentional. Follow me as I cruise along this month find the power of less.  From the ...

There is something about wrestling.  Having your son down on the mat going toe to toe with another.   It's personal!   The spectrum of emotions that one can go through sitting on the side watching that six minute match is incomparable.  I'm not just a spectator but everything is on that mat.   The loss or the victory.  It's personal! So this morning as we sang, "Victory in Jesus" with out little church family...I vividly remembered a spiritual fight for my life.  Depression had worn me down and this song was my come back tune!   This song...it's personal.  Every aspect in or life and family.  Every battle we are in.  It is so personal.  Our life.  Our family.  Our relationship with God and others.  If it isn't personal...then what is it? This life...it's personal!

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17 Part of the Proverbs that I read today.  I Praise God for the blessing of three boys.  What a comfort it is to know that for the rest of their lives they will have each other.   That when life gets tough and adversity strikes the boys will have each other to lean on and depend on. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecc. 4:12

I Can't Have it All.   And sometimes I still feel that guilt.   This weekend I am with my family at the Nebraska State Wrestling Tournament at the same time the Early Childhood Council that I chair meets to do some amazing work.  I can't be at both... and I feel guilty.  Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.   These are my boys and this is my time to be their Mama!   The only regrets I've ever had in my life are those times that I've put others ahead of my family.  When I let my overacting sense of obligation and responsibility or desire to please someone else get in the way. I want to make a difference in the world.  I want to increase the value of my work so to speak so that I can improve my family's financial standing.   I want to seek wisdom and knowledge and learning. But more then anything I want to be my Boys' Mom and I can't have it all.  So...setting aside all guilt...I'm choosing m...

So my son is leaving this morning for Nebraska State Wrestling Tournament.  Why is it that I feel like I've packed up my heart in his lunch bag?  Or feel those emotions creeping up behind my eyes?   I know.  I've given my boys my heart! Michael has had to work so hard to get to where he is today and overcome much adversity.   He struggled continually with Reactive Airways and Asthma as a little guy.  It got to the point of us having to caring an epi-pin around so just in case he lost consciousness.  Whereever we went he ended up in the ER with breathing treatments.   I think he was in 1st or maybe 2nd grade when Master's Commission visited our church and they asked if anyone needed prayer.  He asked for God to heal him.  And He did.  We had just been through a battery of test with a pulmonologist and were scheduled for a week of test at National Jewish.  By the time we arrived at National Jewish....

My husband is an amazing man! When I met him he was carrying around a camera, setting up and running sound and playing guitar and saxophone.  He was SOOOO cool to very country girl. I fell in love with this renaissance man who studied theology, music theory, technology and philosophy.  Who loved cartoons and jazz and 70's-80's rock. Our first Valentine's... a rose bowl and supper out.  A lot for a college student!   We married three months later.  As we met with our pre-marriage counselor, he said, "Well I think you are as compatible as two very different people can be."  He told us that our biggest challenges would come from these differences but that they could become our biggest strengths.  Brother Jones was so wise! And guess what?  Those differences have been a challenge!  Our personalities, experiences, background and lives tripped us up many times during the past 23 years.  But as we have learned to accept ...

What a timely topic "Dealing With Resistance" fellow blogger Danielle Helzer whom I very proudly follow had written.  Her piece is about how she is courageously being the change that she seeks and the resistance that challenging the status quo brings.  I would encourage you to check out her student's blog. http://daniellehelzer.blogspot.com/2012/02/social-action-project-update.html I love the Cry of her Heart!  To see her students grow and become all that she knows they can be.  To bravely tackle and implement a new unit that has inspired and engaged her 9th grade students.   I had the opportunity to be interviewed by two of her students and was very impressed with the depth of the thought and questions they asked of me.   They used the questions that they had developed I could feel their excitement and passion.  They pushed me to really think about why being an involved community member is important to me and where that desir...

That is how old my middle son turned this morning.  When did this happen?  Just a few of my favorite things in these 19 years?  After a deep breath...moments and memories began replaying through  my brain. He is the only one of my boys that I heard cry and got to have on my chest.  I'll never forget how he felt when they placed him on my chest and I looked into those gray blue eyes.  Or when they told me how much he weighed.  He is how big??  10 pounds 6 ounces and 23 inches long?   Watching his daddy rock with him in the hospital room bonding before my eyes. Remembering the first time that his big brother met him and pulled off his socks to peek at his toes.  Pulled off his hat and then lifted his shirt to see his belly button.   Sneaking his two little Aunts in to see him and how huge he looked next to them! Bringing him home with his "I'm the baby brother" shirt on and spending those first few days ...

  My current reading includes “The Nebraska Master Gardener Volunteer Handbook,” “Mother Earth News,” “Leadership Coaching,” “Love and Respect,” and the Bible.    I’m amazed how my varied reading interest seems to draw together in a singular way …at least in my big picture brain. My goal for a few years has been to read Proverbs, James, Psalms 119 each month and another book every day for a month using a variety of strategies. This morning I read my chapter out of Proverbs, a passage out of Psalms 119 and James and all of 1 st Timothy again.    I note in my journal words and phrases that stand out and find it mind-blowing as they seem to link up.   Reading them in this way seems to draw my attention to similar concepts.   Proverbs and James are both wisdom chapters.   Solomon written by David is in the Old Testament and James written by Paul in the New Testament.   Psalms written by David.   A...

As I stood by my stove browning strips of pork chops, my son yelled out..."What are we having?"  "Fajitas"...long pause... "I think."  That became the joke of the night.  O.k. so usually I begin supper by browning something.  Hamburger.  Sauteing onions.  Then I decide what I'm making as I go along.   It dawned on me.  "That's why I can't cook...good."  It's because I forget that it needs a beginning, middle and an end.  An introduction, body and conclusion.   It can't just be a work in progress forever! Strengths and Weaknesses.  Everyone has them.  But have you noticed that strengths can also be a weakness?  What some say are my strengths...others would say are my weaknesses.  I'm sure that goes both ways. Back to the Beginning.  Or the middle or maybe the end.  Life is such a series of transitions and steps that I sometimes forget to stop and take a look around and see what I...

 Permanence has been on my mind.  I'm obsessing over gardening this time of year and dreaming about building more permanent raised beds.  These beds provide soil the  opportunity to settle in.  Worked deep and full of all of the great worms and compost and bacteria that provides nutrients to my growing plants. Permanent.   Lasting.   Intending to last.   From Latin…remaining to the end.   …enduring, continuing, eternal, abiding, Permanence has fallen out of vogue in this go-go culture of rapid change.   Today’s multitasking, instant access self-absorbed and having it all belief systems seems to be a reaction to the “it’s how it has always been done” thinking of the past.   Swinging wildly from one side of the pendulum to the other has left us all with a little bit of whip lash….and lots of insecurity. Permanency creates healthy and resilient children who stand securely on a st...