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Families Are Not Perfect: Kids Who Carry Our Pain


Perfectionism is a curse.  

A curse to individuals and families.  We tend to strive to protect our sense of perfection to safely tuck our perfect family within.  To focus on what we want to see or hope to see, instead of what is.

Families are not perfect.  The fact is, we pass along generational curses and tendencies as easy as "passing the potatoes" at dinner.  

Especially if we are so protective and defensive, that we will not see our own fears and issues. 

We adopt a sense a pride that we are not like "they were" in relation to our own parents without adopting the humility to see our own pain.  

The reality we don't see, but our children experience is what we pass down the family tree. 

We puff up with pride.  How do we know we are too proud to humbly learn?  Here are some questions to ask:
  • Are we still blaming our parents?  Being aware is one thing, blame is us not taking responsibility.  
  • Do we deny our own attitudes and behaviors?  "Instead of being objective and realistic, they don't face reality," Dr. Maxwell states.  
  • Are we closed minded, rigid, insecure and isolated?  These are all results of pride.  
  • Are we disconnected?  Instead of being connected, "prideful people find themselves out of touch-with themselves, their families..."

Sure, I may not "be like my parents," but rest assured, my children and yours will have their own issues to face.  

Their issues will not be because of our parents, but because of our kids' parents.  Us.  

And if we have spent our children's lives blaming our parents, guess what example we have set for them.

And while we are at it.  

What about the honor, respect and forgiveness piece, we preach?  

Does it pertain to us and how we treat our parents, or just how we want our kids to treat us.

Guess what?  We don't deserve our kid's honor either if the truth be told. 

 If we have done anything right as parents, it is not because of us.  Rather, it is because of God's mercy and grace.  

Unconditional love and unconditional respect are so critical to healthy functioning families.  These have to be practiced and experienced.  

If we want it, we have to deal with our own hang ups and our own pain.  Our kids will have their fair share.

A great book to read for those who want to change:



Kids Who Carry Our Pain: Breaking the Cycle of Codependency for the Next Generation   

(Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Paul Warren)

 

 

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