Skip to main content

Families Are Not Perfect: Kids Who Carry Our Pain


Perfectionism is a curse.  

A curse to individuals and families.  We tend to strive to protect our sense of perfection to safely tuck our perfect family within.  To focus on what we want to see or hope to see, instead of what is.

Families are not perfect.  The fact is, we pass along generational curses and tendencies as easy as "passing the potatoes" at dinner.  

Especially if we are so protective and defensive, that we will not see our own fears and issues. 

We adopt a sense a pride that we are not like "they were" in relation to our own parents without adopting the humility to see our own pain.  

The reality we don't see, but our children experience is what we pass down the family tree. 

We puff up with pride.  How do we know we are too proud to humbly learn?  Here are some questions to ask:
  • Are we still blaming our parents?  Being aware is one thing, blame is us not taking responsibility.  
  • Do we deny our own attitudes and behaviors?  "Instead of being objective and realistic, they don't face reality," Dr. Maxwell states.  
  • Are we closed minded, rigid, insecure and isolated?  These are all results of pride.  
  • Are we disconnected?  Instead of being connected, "prideful people find themselves out of touch-with themselves, their families..."

Sure, I may not "be like my parents," but rest assured, my children and yours will have their own issues to face.  

Their issues will not be because of our parents, but because of our kids' parents.  Us.  

And if we have spent our children's lives blaming our parents, guess what example we have set for them.

And while we are at it.  

What about the honor, respect and forgiveness piece, we preach?  

Does it pertain to us and how we treat our parents, or just how we want our kids to treat us.

Guess what?  We don't deserve our kid's honor either if the truth be told. 

 If we have done anything right as parents, it is not because of us.  Rather, it is because of God's mercy and grace.  

Unconditional love and unconditional respect are so critical to healthy functioning families.  These have to be practiced and experienced.  

If we want it, we have to deal with our own hang ups and our own pain.  Our kids will have their fair share.

A great book to read for those who want to change:



Kids Who Carry Our Pain: Breaking the Cycle of Codependency for the Next Generation   

(Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Paul Warren)

 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1940 Canned Apple Butter: Family Root Cellar

I loved exploration as a child.  From opening the door and going down the stairs to get something from my Grandma's root cellar or exploring old homesteads while checking cows.  I credit my Mom with teaching us to appreciate those things that represented the people who had gone before us. When I moved with my husband and boys to a house on the family ranch-I began exploring immediately.  This was the house my Aunt and Uncle lived in during my childhood.  My Grandparents had lived there and many other families dating back to 1900 when it was built.   With two little boys in tow, I made my way to the root cellar and found a treasure cove.  Old text books belonging to the original family who had been a teacher, the original medicine cupboard, tools, trash and memorabilia.   I felt like an archeologist sifting through layers of debris representing generations and culture.  And I was.  I hauled truckloads of trash to the dump (some...
4 comments
Read more

Letter to me with Young Boys

(The challenge today is to write a letter to myself of something I know now, I wish I would have known then.) Dear Heather I'm writing to you this morning to remind you how truly fast this time of your life will go and how you will long for it in a few short years. As I write this, I know you will shake your head fiercely and maybe even snort out a curt remark. May 1st, 1991.  You turned 21 in February and became a mom in April. You will be moving soon to begin your ministry. Right now you feel as if the key to your heart was placed in your arms just one week ago. You look in those brown eyes and can't imagine anything else in time. Hold on to that. In a few short years he will be a man and live far away. You will remember the days of him in your arms and will cherish every second. Stop worrying about what people think and about money and what you should do. It will all work out the way it should. You concentrate on being with....
Post a Comment
Read more

Diabetes-Opened to Disease OR Open to Connecting to my Strengths

I've tried living in denial for two years after the big D diagnoses was handed over.  Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it.  Outwardly seemly calm and disconnected from it.  Inwardly terrified. As a plant that is stressed is open to disease, injury and death so to our bodies are.  I opened myself up to this.  Stress, lack of sleep, bad nutrition, overweight and lack of exercise.  For some reason I believed that if I ran fast enough and worked hard enough, I would outrun my family genes.  The tiny room in the back of my brain locked with a key has kept the fear of this disease at bay even though I could hear its screaming when life quieted down. My Aunt died piece by piece to this disease.  First a heart attack and quadruple by-pass.  Then a toe.  Next a foot.  Legs came next along with more heart attacks.  Kidneys shutting down.  She died very young. When I was little, my Aunt Ally gave herself s...
4 comments
Read more