HEART'S CRY

Everyone wants to fix me. I want to fix everyone else. Oh, what a fix we are in. The fixings on the table. I'm fixing to get something done. I'm completely fixed on it. Wow, am I in a fix! Had my morning fix. Fixed the race. Fixed position.  Fixed mindset. FIX THIS! People are not for fixin!  Focusing on changing or fixing the kid, or the teachers, our parents, or the people in our life is complete insanity. Boundaries need fixed.  Structures and procedures need fixed.  My focus and perceptions are mine to fix. Focusing on the fix and fixed will only leave us in a big messy fix. Fix?  Fix this!

Studying seed catalogs and sketching gardens and rain gardens.  Permaculture gilds and soil health plans. Visions of flowers dance in my head! A few years ago I started creating Hugelkulturs or berms created out of rotten logs covered with soil dug up from high spots on the edges of my yard or garden.  Before our old cotton wood trees had to be cut down, I collected the branches and twigs dropped in wind storms and piled at the edges of my yard. I live in a small house with a small yard in a small town.  People walk by with raised eyebrows and quick glances.  My husband quietly shakes his head and goes inside.  The hugelkulturs berms and I are doing well.  They are covered with butterfly bushes, Maximillian sunflowers, grasses, asparagus and flowers.  I continue to add soil and bits of wood I can find to the tops of these berms.  A very nice guy with the electric company dropped a load of mulch in my driveway.  ...

I will soon be (GIANT GULP/SOB) 46 years old.  With another year, comes more reflection. What has my life been about all of these years?  What has driven me?  What am I passionate about?  What next?  How will I get there? My sisters and my family were my life and I thought about them in every decision I made.  Then my husband and soon after my boys became my every passion.  I love being a sister, wife and mother.  Being a wife and mom has been and will continue to be the most important calling of my life.  These roles have filled me with joy and until more recently riddled my heart with guilt and shame.  I think of the barrels of energy wasted on guilt and shame.  I could not and would not be the perfect wife and mother I wanted to give my family.   The shame became my driver, even as my family was my passion. I remember sobbing into my pillow my prayers seeking God for forgiveness and not to ta...

I stand at the window.  My new little Hawthorne tree looks sad to me. Which is so silly.  My tree isn't sad, or frustrated or sick of winter!  For it knows and is content.  It's feet has spread since its transplanting and have made itself at home within the soil of the yard.  The various root hairs feel the tickling of spring. While the bare branches bleakly and staunchly remain still, it carries an almost noble look.  A contentment.  A waiting.  It knows it will do no good to flail and pout.  To stretch to the sunniest part of the winter yard will only break it apart. Under the ground, is another story.  The blanket of snow and longer days have sent a little shudder through the community in the soil.  Spring is beginning its annual stirring.  The tree has rested in its dormancy and the sap will soon begin to rise.  Little Hawthorne embraces this process.  The process of knowing,...

The sander is on Sandpaper is grinding My heart is being set upon The process excruciating My soul is stripped Defenses crumbling Without which I am equipped Completely malfunctioning My heart is trembling Naked and afraid Walls dissembling Going under the blade Scars, stains and brokenness Roughing away hardness Longing for holiness Knowing I'm not alone in the darkness Stay Be Today Me Moving past remembering Enveloping me within Soul and heart reassembled Ready to begin

I watched my husband, David making my coffee and realized his secret...he stirred the sugar for what seemed like forever.  Don't get me wrong, when I put in my own teaspoon of sugar, I give it a good time around. David's coffee always taste better. I'm not known for my cooking expertise, and the various blending, folding and stirring verbs on recipe cards seems redundant.  So maybe, just maybe....he is on to something! Watching him stir my coffee is almost hypnotizing and the sound of steel and ceramic creates the sweetest tune.  This one act of devotion has redefined the word for me into a discipline and an art. Being in constant hurry to get to the point, the answer, the fix and the action is a strength and a challenge for me. I am decisive and do not like things to stir emotionally, relationally, spiritually and procedurally.  One could say, impulsive as well. The process is uncomfortable.  As it should be. Being sti...

A few years ago, I realized a huge gap in my personal and professional growth.  Friends.  Or rather a dedicated time with friends.  I invited some women whom I admire and I considered dear friends to meet once a week to work on our mission, goals, growth and accountability.  A group I could be brutally honest and where I would be unconditionally accepted and respected. It has been a powerful force in my life!  In fact, I began to take it for granted.  Before long, I jumped in to independent coaching and contracting which ushered in old insecurities and I looked to my group for grounding and perspective. The book we have chosen to read is "Mindset" by Carol Dweck.  While I have read this book before, reading and reflection within a group, makes it completely different.   Our group met, set and pushed forward on goals.  This process of accountability shoved me up against a very large brick wall.  I made adjustments an...

I'm speaking tonight with a friend on "Owning Your B.S," and find myself quite nervous.  So...I'm sharing with friends first. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a journey to walk. We have a decision to make. In addition, each of us has been given our own burden to carry and responsibilities to shoulder. In fact, we were created to "carry our own weight."  Adam and Eve were assigned a work to do.  They were given ownership of their part of the world and a manageable weight to carry. Blame, sin and shame entered the world through their choice to turn away.  Pressure took the place of peace. We were meant to own and be responsible for our gifts, talents, choices, feelings, attitude, behavior, growth, joy and change.  Owning our pain, trauma, abuse, hidden beliefs, insecurities, fears, shame, scars and the B.S. of our life is more difficult. Thankfully, we get to take it from right where we are right n...