Something Has to Change

So here we are.  Facing the reality of the depth of the draught we had went through.  We are at the point of; SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE AROUND HERE.  Now.

Now what.

For me, healthy and sustainable change is going to be a process of intentional steps. (Because I'm more the takeoff running and hit the wall a million times kind of girl.)

1.  Take a risk.  
2.  Honor where I am
3.  Stay in the discomfort 
4.  Move forward together-Be With

Take a risk.

1. Take a risk.  Try something new and be willing to blow it and fail.  Let go of the outcome.

Al Siebert wrote: "Your resiliency strengths come from self-motivated, self-managed efforts to develop resiliency skills.  Some people who hear or read about ways to become more resilient mistakenly think that the power lies in the recommended method.  They go through the steps in a detached way thinking the technique will make things better.  Then when things don't turn out well, they blame the technique for not working.  This is like tossing a can opener at a can food and then blaming the can opener when the can doesn't open." (Siebert, A (2005). The resiliency advantage. p. 13)

How easy it is to blame the can opener, or the diet, or the person...when the answer lies in taking responsibility for us.  Ouch.

But still...knowing what to do is so much easier than the hard work of putting it into place.

I am realizing how wise some of the people God has placed in my life has been.  A counselor said, "God provides boundaries for us, to protect us.  When we push against those boundaries before we are ready, we are opening ourselves up to pain.  Like a cracked cup.  It has been glued back together and yet and instead of staying within the confines of the cup, we push until the seals burst."

It is important to reframe these boundaries and see the blessing of taking responsibility and trusting God to be faithful.  She knew my propensity to work harder when I was exhausted.  To see a boundary and an envelope as something to be pushed against.  

It takes a big risk and tons of courage to stay and not run and push.  To accept.

An old and very wise pastor told me, "Let go of the outcome.  You can't control it.  Let go of the high expectations you have on others and yourself.  Just do the work."

I hit my wall before my husband and have had some time to realize things have to change.  This is how life works.  Each of us growing and developing and in different stages of change. 

2.  Honor The Stage

I absolutely hate this.  Denial, distraction and working harder is my standard operating procedure.  I picture myself as my tiny dog squeezing itself out of a collar to run down a pit bull.  Acceptance is difficult.

 For my husband and I, respecting and honoring where we are on this continuum is key...and difficult.  I want to push us through it and he wants to really process.  I start running up the path, like some excited puppy and then have to run back to walk with him when I know I want to do it together.  The turtle and the hare or the bull in a china shop in my case.  

The first step of change is to acknowledge where we are.  Knowing there are steps.  Not tidy little steps.  More like rocks to jump on to as we cross the river.  Respecting where we are and where those nearest us is important.   

3.  Stay in the Discomfort

David calls it, disequilibrium.  Change is uncomfortable.  It is the knot, turmoil in your tummy or shark music as Circle of Security Parenting calls it.  It is the screaming to run away in our ear, while cognitively holding on to the reality...this is where I'm supposed to be.

4. Move Forward Together

How lonely is it to walk alone and to be angry at those who don't want to walk with us.  

My husband told me after a particular embarassing rant to him.  It went something like this, "You didn't worry about me or check on me.  I don't feel protected..."  Yes, very embarrassing.  To which he said, "I would love to check on you.  You don't let anyone do that.  You don't let anyone know where you are."  Ouch.

It will not last, if we are not moving forward together as husband and wife.  

Someone said, "if we are encountering resistance, then we have left the partnership behind and have walked on ahead, trying to pull the other."

So, yes.  Something has to change.  Actually...Someone has to change.  



The Stages of Change according to the Transtheoretical Model are: ƒ 
Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed) ƒ Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change) ƒ 
Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change) ƒ 
Action/Willpower (Changing behavior) ƒ 
Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and ƒ Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)