(The challenge today is to write a letter to myself of something I know now, I wish I would have known then.)
Dear Heather
I'm writing to you this morning to remind you how truly fast this time of your life will go and how you will long for it in a few short years. As I write this, I know you will shake your head fiercely and maybe even snort out a curt remark.
May 1st, 1991. You turned 21 in February and became a mom in April. You will be moving soon to begin your ministry. Right now you feel as if the key to your heart was placed in your arms just one week ago. You look in those brown eyes and can't imagine anything else in time. Hold on to that. In a few short years he will be a man and live far away. You will remember the days of him in your arms and will cherish every second. Stop worrying about what people think and about money and what you should do. It will all work out the way it should. You concentrate on being with. Write about every moment. You may think you couldn't forget it, but you will have to work at bringing it all to the surface.
February 25th, 1993. You turn 23 today and your heart is full with two beautiful boys. You fretted and worried about how in the world you could possibly love them both enough. How could you be all you wanted to be for them? You made yourself sick with anxiety over it. Then your second born came. Your families were there to celebrate. Even your birth dad was in your mind that day. Your oldest climbed on to the bed with you and took off the baby's socks to look at his toes. He patted and kissed and then went off to explore. This second one is big and strong and gentle as he lies there cooing and singing against you. Your mind is filling with all you have to do and what you should do. STOP! Please stop and love this baby boy. He will go on to lead others. Fill his heart with confidence and love and your presence. Go ahead and enjoy the holding and looking in his eyes. Be still!
You are moving two little boys to your first church. You will live in an apartment on the church. You wear yourself out with being up at night and painting and babysitting and being a foster parent. The post partem depression you kept in control of...can't escape your exhaustion. You have poured out and are empty. RUN to the Dr. and the counselor. Keep writing in your journal and allow God to heal your brokenness. Don't be afraid of brokenness. Embrace it to heal and move forward.
Put yourself as a priority. If you don't feed and care for yourself, you can't give your boys all you want. Go ahead...enjoy the snow and magic of childhood. Don't hold back when you play in the leaves under the giant oak tree. Laugh and giggle every night at bedtime. Sleep in the box castle and fort you built with the boys. Enjoy every single second. The church will march on. Time will march on. Your job is to love your boys.
You have moved back to the ranch and you love bringing home bucket calves, bum lambs and cows to suckle. You want your boys to have every experience possible. Kittens, mud, adventures and joy. Exploring the trees and the land and teaching them the directions and about the wind or the nest the birds make. Make every second and every moment count. Don't get caught up in drama. Be content. Be still.
December 1st, 1996. The electricity is out again. Don't worry. Create a larger fort. You had your third baby son and your little sisters have filled your life and your boys' lives with joy. You pushed too hard and you both were back in the hospital. You had sepsis. When will you learn to be still? You have to learn to be still. This precious third son is all joy. This winter with it's "worst in 104 years" is a treasure you will remember always. Without TV or electricity or water at times. With snow over the trees and cows walking through the yard. As if the entire world is cut off and you are with your three boys. You will long for this time for the rest of your life. The boys playing. The baby sleeping until he is woke up with the older two clambering over him. The nights in the chair rocking first one and then the other of these precious little ones. God speaking his Heart's Cry to your heart in those hours in the night.
Find validation within you. It can't come from anyone else. God and you. Be o.k. with who you are and everything else will be o.k. Write Heather. Write this down. You will want to remember the tree out the front window with the boys traipsing through the snow. The barn filled with hay and the bucket calves sucking on the boys' ears or nose. The times of reading together when David came home with his frozen beard. Candles, flashlights, forts and together time. BE IN THIS TIME. Stay in the present and the future will take care of itself.
July 12th, 1997. You moved to town today. To a different state and a town. You grieve your little sisters. Go ahead. Grieve. Grieve the life you had hoped for. Grieve what may have been. Embrace what is. Your boys are unsure of this new place. You backed in to the drive way and they rushed to pull Belle's cage from the car and she flew away. Let it go. The boys rushed to explore their new home and chase garden snakes and climb the giant cottonwood trees and make a fort in the shed in the back. Life is continuing. Embrace this time and stay in the present. Don't wish or regret the past and don't worry about the future. You are right where you need to be. Love these times. Go to the park and the lake and explore more. Spend every second you can with your boys this summer.
Every struggle, every joy and every moment is a precious gift. You have these days and no more. Capture every second and make every moment matter. The outside doesn't matter. Ambitions will leave you empty. Regret and guilt will take you captive. Don't let them. Stay in the present and live in your today.
February 4, 2017
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