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Desperate Love For My Boys


My oldest son was home for Christmas from the military.  My second son is home for Christmas and break from college.  My youngest son has one more year at home.

I love my boys.  I always thought those Moms were so weird...the ones who went gaga over their messy little babies.  Until I had one of my own.

I was twenty one and a Junior in Bible college when I had my first.  It was in Biology class where I felt him move.  During a piano lesson and worship he danced.  When I leaned over too much at work for his liking, he kicked me.  I was falling in love with this life within me.

Then, he was born.  Black haired and giant brown eyed baby boy.   He was so strong.  Lying on my tummy, he picked up his head and looked at me.  All of that kicking and moving, I told him.

He knew me.  He knew his Dad.  We knew him.  My heart was broken with the love overwhelming me.

How could anyone love this much?  Would I ever love again?

My second, proved all of the possibilities.  He was "chill" and was born singing this beautiful little humming sound.  And cuddly. And very strong.  His beautiful piercing gray blue eyes went straight to my heart.  I couldn't put him down and neither could his Dad.  How could I love any more?  It took my breath away.

When my 22  month old bounded into bed to meet his new baby brother, I couldn't breath.  He pulled his socks and gently touched his toes and held his hands and kissed his nose. 

With two little boys filling our little house with their laughter, how could I love more?

My youngest proved me wrong once more.  The nurses swept him away to help him breathe as I lay helpless after the C-section.  Five little sister and two little boys filled the nursery window and surrounded him in prayer.  His beautiful blue eyes and precious personality captured me.

When I watched his two brothers hold him and hang up their "Welcome" pictures on the walls...I was broken.

Love multiplies.  My heart was broken with love and would never be the same.  

The heart ache and desperation for my boys has only grown with time.  I find myself unable to pray when I'm heavy with burden for them.  But, God knows my groaning!  He knows my heart.  

My heart broken, laid bare and bleeding.  Raw.  

I am broken and desperate for my boys.  For them to know my God.  For them to love and cherish their brothers and family.  For their lives, friends and future spouses.

My Mother-in-Law used to say, "When children are little they step on your toes and bump your nose..when they are older, they step on your heart."

I smile.  It's because our hearts are laid bare before them.  

I wouldn't change it for one minute.

I desperately love my boys.


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