Diabetes-Opened to Disease OR Open to Connecting to my Strengths

I've tried living in denial for two years after the big D diagnoses was handed over.  Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it.  Outwardly seemly calm and disconnected from it.  Inwardly terrified.

As a plant that is stressed is open to disease, injury and death so to our bodies are.  I opened myself up to this.  Stress, lack of sleep, bad nutrition, overweight and lack of exercise.  For some reason I believed that if I ran fast enough and worked hard enough, I would outrun my family genes. 

The tiny room in the back of my brain locked with a key has kept the fear of this disease at bay even though I could hear its screaming when life quieted down.

My Aunt died piece by piece to this disease.  First a heart attack and quadruple by-pass.  Then a toe.  Next a foot.  Legs came next along with more heart attacks.  Kidneys shutting down.  She died very young.

When I was little, my Aunt Ally gave herself shots in her tummy which terrified me.  I hate shots!  

A sense of futility and helplessness has crept gradually into my life over the years.  It has been systematically creeping insidiously into my brain to take root.  The root has taken and put down tentacles around my heart and spirit.  Now it is bearing its ugly fruit daily.  Binding me within its ugly prison.

Guilt, shame, anxiety are just some of the feelings.  Mostly I feel grief.  Tears.  Grief for lost dreams.  Grief with the knowledge that I won't live to see so much of my boys' lives.  Will I hold a grandchild?  Will I meet the beautiful women that I'm praying for to be their help-mates?  Will my husband remarry?  Who will take care of him?  How will my tribe of sisters remember me?  Not being able to ride like the wind like the wild and free girl I once was.  Not getting in the dirby car that I want so desperately to do because who would lift me out?

The stress and feelings of inferiority of this disease can be crippling.

Yesterday, my friend walked with me to breakfast and shared a personal family story.  Her friend moved to a new location and struggled for years to adjust while sinking further and further into despair.  This friend finally began focusing on strengths and her Faith to begin climbing out of the bog she was in.  To use what she had and not what everyone tells her to do.

Hmmmmmm..... Praise God for good friends!

So I'm thinking of the foundation I need to build to set myself up for success.  What strengths do I have to overcome my own personal bondage and objections?

Belief.  I believe in the saving and healing and loving hand of a Gracious and Mighty God.  How do I believe that for me now?

Persistence.  Some people call it stubbornness.  Digging in my heals.  Whatever it is...I have it bad.

Big Picture.  I see the big picture and see strengths in everyone around me.

Connecting.  In seeing the big picture I see links and connections.  Ways to integrate and build systems.

Vision.  I'm always thinking.  That could be or should be this way or that.  How could it be made better?

Activator.  Let's just get it done.  O.k. we thought about it-now let's do it.  In everything else other then my life.

Boldness.  I don't feel bold but that is what I'm told.  If it is hard, I like to try it.

Those genes in my family that passed down this diabetic disease also passed down the fighter.  

I'm calling for war against futility.