HEART'S CRY

I've tried living in denial for two years after the big D diagnoses was handed over.  Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it.  Outwardly seemly calm and disconnected from it.  Inwardly terrified. As a plant that is stressed is open to disease, injury and death so to our bodies are.  I opened myself up to this.  Stress, lack of sleep, bad nutrition, overweight and lack of exercise.  For some reason I believed that if I ran fast enough and worked hard enough, I would outrun my family genes.  The tiny room in the back of my brain locked with a key has kept the fear of this disease at bay even though I could hear its screaming when life quieted down. My Aunt died piece by piece to this disease.  First a heart attack and quadruple by-pass.  Then a toe.  Next a foot.  Legs came next along with more heart attacks.  Kidneys shutting down.  She died very young. When I was little, my Aunt Ally gave herself s...

The 107 degree heat and constant wind in Nebraska is wreaking havoc on any growing thing without the mature roots to sustain the plant.  I called home to make sure my boys water by baby plants just out on their own. My thoughts then returned to the discussion today with the Department of Education and Health and Human Services as well as Nebraska Children and Families Foundation on Supporting Children's Social Emotional Development and Early Learning throughout Nebraska. This is the passion of my life.  Not to tell parents what to do or provide one more "parenting class" or lecture on what they should do.  Not to usurp the role of parents in the lives of their children. Rather, my hope is to be available to stand beside families as they support and engage their own children and set their own family goals.   To walk beside parents in the most critical calling.  To stand with providers and foster parents and those pouring their love into our lit...

Driving across Nebraska gave me the time and space for some reflective thinking as well as some heart to hearts with God.                     God, is there honor in the staying?  In the holding on?  In the not letting go? What if I can't hold on?  What if the fire dims and the passion gets cold and the spirit is weak?   Who am I to think that I have strength within myself to hold the ropes?  How dare I think that I can in my own independence and self-sufficiency climb out of my own hole?  Weathering the torrents and wind and enemies within myself will just leave me hanging. God, hold me.  Hold my family.  Hold my friends, church and nation.  Knowing that you have us in your strong hands gives us the courage to be who you want us to be.   Your strength propels us out on a limb and gives the boldness to follow your l...

When I was young, my parents gave me a Bee Gee's record box and some records.  One of my favorite was Kenny Rogers-The Gambler.  I would sing this song...very loudly... while cutting hay at the end of a long hot summer day.  "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run." So as I struggle through these emotions of my Michael leaving soon for college this song is running through my head.  O.k. not the "know when to fold em."  But I do have to know when to hold them and when to release them. I'm wrestling with my thoughts and emotions in an attempt to rein them in as I ride this transition.  Drawing on my growing up on horses, I remind myself to sink into the saddle.  To ride with a light hand on the reins and stay in the movement.  To join with and not to fight.   To know when to hold the reins and when to let go.  My boys are held in my heart and will be until I...

If you have not been able to see "Act of Valor" in the theater; please take the time to get it and watch it with your family.  The story of our servicemen unfolding in a respectful approach with all of the glory and horror of battle, was heart wrenching. I don't like war.  I don't like the results of war.  I don't like the arguments surrounding war.     BUT the truth is we are at war...constantly.   If we are not fighting and standing our ground... we are losing it. We are at war against the powers and principalities and rulers of this world.  Satan and his hoards of armies are described as "a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."  Reality is that we live in a fallen corrupt world within the systems set up by a real and constant enemy.   The weapons of our warfare will not take him out.  All of our wisdom, collaboration, seeking, managing, leading or manipulation will never bring Peace on Earth....

All of my life Has been The Cry of my Heart For belonging To Him All of my life Will be Has been Is For Them All of my life My Heart will Cry Will Break Bleed Hope Dream Of Them All of my life My Heart will beat Outside Vulnerable Held out Reaching To Them All of my life All of my days Three little boys Are held within Wrapped in my arms In my breath In my prayers Abreast of them All of my life My arms will be Wrapped around these hearts Of my three little boys All around them

Heart's Cry began as my attempt to unmask.  A simple proclamation for a new way of thinking and being.      We can have a great family and be a socially functioning & contributing member of society and yet not be known.     We can go our places of worship, stand and sit appropriately and do the work and ritual of worship without being known or knowing.     We can be within and still outside.  Standing on the outside always looking in.   And yet God in His grace revealed Himself to us.  He wanted us to Know Him in order to have a personal and authentic relationship with Him.  A real knowing...without hoops or strings.  Simple.  But hard.   I'm stunned by God's Grace in His revelation.  Without Him inspiring His written Word to us~to make Himself known~to us we could not know Him. "The absolutely and eternally self-conscious God took the initiative to make him...

C.S. Lewis "The Abolition of Man" first chapter clearly speaks to the issues of today.   Being aware and digging deep takes time which is something that we have so little of or at least think we have so little of.   And yet, without knowing where we are coming from how do we truly know where we are going.  In our thinking, our relationships and our spiritual life. In the chapter "The Man Without Chest" C.S. Lewis challenges our notions and beliefs around feelings and emotions.  In reviewing a contemporary text book of his time he teaches us to unwrap the thinking behind the writing. He tackles of the heart!  The chest.  Some highlights: "They see the world around them swayed by emotional propaganda-they have learned from tradition that youth is sentimental-and they conclude that the best thing they can do is to fortify the minds of young people against emotion.  My own experience as a teacher tells an opposite tale. ...

"Mom, don't wuss out," was part of the conversation during lunch after church today regarding my health and lack of exercise.  "Your our Mom and don't want you to die young."   "You can do it," another said, "look you quit drinking Diet Pepsi!" So guess what will be playing in my ear as I walk everyday this week?  "MOM-Don't wuss out!"  My boys know that I would never wuss out on them or their Dad.  They know that they are my life and I would do anything for them.   They have seen their Mom make a stand and certainly know that against all odds I'm the fighter in their corner. But they do know I wuss out on myself.  And what kind of example is that? So...here's to NOT WUSSING OUT!  It's on!

I love making lists and going after my calendar with colored sharpies is a blast.  Red for church, yellow for work, blue for home & family etc.  My goals are listed by priority and the ever present A,B,C system on my to do list. So why do I still get overdone, overloaded and spread thin? My new friend Denny at my temporary job and I had a conversation about priorities today.  He has recently retired and I'm absorbing all the wisdom I can.  As we talked he said frequently, "Priorities, priorities, priorities" to which I completely agreed. During a quiet lunch break (such a new concept) I reflected on the conversation.  Do I have my priorities straight?  What am I supposed to be hearing through this.  I prioritize on paper but it is my heart and my brain that gets me in trouble. I try to have some boundaries around my time but my mind runs unhindered and I think about what I shouldn't.  No....I'm not thinking bad things. I'm spending ...

We all have challenges and weaknesses of some kind.  It is part of being human.  But our challenges cannot be blamed for our character or lack thereof.  In fact, to be perfectly direct and to the point...we tend to handicap ourselves by the way we respond to them more then any diagnosis or verification ever can.   A wise Doctor told me once when my son spent a week in a specialty clinic for asthma that "how we as parents responded to this struggle would be a determining factor on his ability in overcoming it." I could give you the shopping list of verifications and diagnoses just in our own family but they do not represent us.  They are not our identity.  None of my three boys should be doing what they are doing according to their "challenges" or the obstacles they have had to overcome.   In addition, we are given other "indicators" on our chances of success or failure such as income, education level, parenting, church expe...

The One Minute Manager by Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson was written in 1982 and published by William Morrow and Company.  This quick and POWERFUL book took two hours to read and a half a pad of post it notes to jot the profound.  I will be reading this book again this  month. From goal setting to specific acknowledgment and praise and the power of reprimands.   The most powerful message from this book is the power of immediate feedback. I am a feedback sponge, I have to admit.  Nothing motivates me more then feedback from results.  Specific and practical immediate feedback. I need to be MUCH better in giving immediate feedback to others as well giving myself.   This concept of giving yourself feedback was addressed in this book in a way that doesn't seem cheesy!  Identifying goals and analyzing behavior and see if it matches your goal and give yourself specific feedback. I hope you pick this little book ...

My first book read for the summer from C.S. Lewis is "The Pilgrim's Regress." ............ (Dots represent my screaming!)   Many chapters I had to make myself go back and read over and over again.  I read a chapter to my husband and he got it easily.  But then this book is the first book after C.S. Lewis conversion to Christ after quite the intellectual journey for him.  A similar path that my husband took in his early 20's.   C.S. Lewis states, "I  now realise, for the obscurity.  On the intellectual side my own progress had been from 'popular realism' to Philosophical Idealism; from Idealism to Pantheism; from Pantheism to Theism; and from Theism to Christianity.  I still think this a very natural road, but I now know that it is a road very rarely trodden." Did I get any sympathy from him or did he rescue me?  HA  No, he told me how the chapters are divided up into thoughts, philosophies and ways of thinking and I ne...

  If you're gonna do it...Do it with everything you have.  "If I'm going to mess up then I might as well mess up loudly!"   Passion.  Zeal.  Full Throttle. Do or Don't Do. I LOVE football when my guys are playing it.  When my boys are putting it all on the line, I want to be right behind them.  (or beside them lol)  When a game is over...my muscles hurt because I've been soo in the game. When my son took on one of the most difficult challenges in the Air Force which meant he had to put it all on the line and either get through it or be out...I was all in!  So was he! When my husband said, "Do or die... in this place... at this time...no matter what...we are staying." I was in! Sometimes I hit a roadblock-a speed bump.  I've messed up and humiliated myself or said something stupid.  I fail. I've looked ahead and gotten scared.  Anxiety fills my head with all that "I have to do" and my engine gets floo...

Recently David and I began our hiking adventures.  It was only a 4 mile hike but was steep for this chubby girl.  I'm not sure I would have finished if David didn't say, "Are you going to let that old lady beat you?" as she walked past us.  Psh... So he was trying to teach me the "hiking" skills such as "heel to toe" and "don't forget to breath" and "little steps going up" and "stop holding your breath!"   I was trying to slow down my breathing because I thought that would help and instead became lightheaded.  So David said, "o.k. now you are starving yourself of oxygen-you are not supposed to slow down your breathing but breathe more consistently." While walking by this very steep drop off and I am trying to walk heel to toe, breath in on every two steps and NOT fall off the cliff.   Finally, David gave me a walking stick which seemed to ground me and saved his patience! Who knew th...