"Be Still"...Still

Be still, Heather!  This was said to me millions of times in millions of ways.  Usually with the disappointed frown of an authority figure.  

So at 16 or 17, when God said to me, "Be still, Heather, and know I am God," I didn't quite know how to take it.

I was in my Aunt and Uncle's spare room at their house by the lake.  The window opened and the whispering of pines filled my room.  I was tied in knots and the more I fought to get free, the more encased I became. 

 Questions filled my mind.  Not gentle reflective questions!  No, these were piercing, stabbing and wounding questions.  

That's when I heard Him say, "Be Still, Heather, and know I am God."

It wasn't just the words that filled my mind with peace.  The presence of love and nurture and bigness took all fear away.  

The night before my wedding, it dawned on me.  I'm only 19.  What the heck am I doing?  We have no money, no place and no clue!  And I had just noticed, he wasn't going to be perfect!  "Be still, Heather, I'm God."  

It was 3ish in the morning and I was staring at the ceiling.  Today is the day, I told my very large tummy.  He kicked.  "Ya, me too," I told this baby.  Tears running down my face while fears of failure tore my heart.  "God, this is a beautiful person and I'm not.  You have to protect this child from my mistakes, fears and inability."  "Be still," Heather, He said.  "I'm God."

After waking in my hospital bed, a beautiful baby boy with a full head of dark hair was brought to me.  He looked up at me as if to say, "Hi Mom, I'm here!"  And boy was he ever!  

Twenty four months and a move later, I touched my oldest face in the middle of the night.  With one hand on my belly and one on him, I cried and I prayed.  How do I give two the love they deserve?  We are barely taking care of ourselves!  I prayed, "God, help them love and care for each other all the days of their lives."  God said, "Be still," Heather.  "I will teach your sons."

Three and a half years later, two moves later...... We had been through so much.  It was a very cold November day.  One blizzard had already passed by.  My boys were in their bunk beds and I stood at their ends.  Hands on them and eyes on this belly.  "What the heck, God?" I asked.  Haven't you see how imperfect and a mess I am?  What were you thinking?"  Tears filled me until I settled on the floor and began reading Psalm 119 again.  

He reminded me, "The boys are mine.  I will teach them."  I kissed two little boys and left to "get their brother."  God said as we backed out, "Be Still, Heather."

Twenty-five years, 23, 21 and 17 years later.  I'm sitting on my couch with tears streaming down my face. Two boys are far away, but always close in my heart.  My baby is worried about the what next.  My husband is grayer and wiser.  

I put my hands on my belly.  God...  Please be with my boys.  They are my everything.  Help them love each other and love you!

"Be Still, Heather.  I am God.  I will love, heal and teach your sons."