So in normal life, it is hard to find the depth of relationships needed to thrive.
What happens when mental illness, addiction, abuse and other debilitating factors enter the scene?
In ones own life or in someone close to us? When hopelessness threatens our very lives?
There is nothing quite as isolating as being trapped in one's own mind and body.
There is nothing quite as hopeless as knowing one we love and adore is the one trapped.
I believe the shame, guilt and defensiveness of these struggles is the true enemy to our ability to reach out and build healing connections and relationships. The cycle of these defenses, our pride and lack of involvement from others keeps us trapped.
It is our own beliefs of love, reality and God that makes or breaks us.
I promised God when I was a young Mom, I would wear a sign on my back with my struggles in flashing lights if it helped one. If I survived.
As human beings, we tend to avoid the struggling and the messy. We don't talk about truth or what is real and we certainty don't approach people who seem to need help.
In fact, I believe we have so trained ourselves to "mind our own business" and not "see" the hurts around us...we have become very good at it.
These responses get so reinforced, we no longer hear, see or care about others.
For me, it was a perfect storm. A violent internal hurricane.
It was early in my twenties and I was having babies. My husband was a bi-vocational Pastor and a volunteer EMT and firefighter. I was supposed to be perfect. I had two babies in 22 months. Two beautiful babies who were on the go continually.
Hormones were just one of the systems out of wack in my life! Sleep was nonexistent. Post part um depression enveloped me when my son was about 3 months old.
My own pride and belief was another. I believed I was just being lazy and needed to push harder and take on more. If I had more faith. If I prayed more or studied more or was better, I could overcome it. Sharing it was weakness.
So I put up defenses and shut myself off and avoided any true and authentic relationship. I was angry and felt abandon by every system. Then, cried with loneliness.
Add to this, I faced the sexual abuse in my past for the first time. Faced the reality of my own wounds. How skilled I was in minimizing my own pain. The reality of my own choices and failings assaulted me.
Shame was simply an ongoing typhoon overcoming and eroding me.
I kept exploring and playing with my children and I taught and I functioned and I provided.
I reverted to old disassociation skills, until even that was not enough.
I would pray when I awoke, "God, please help me get up. Help me smile and care for and love my kids. Protect them from me." I prayed to make it through breakfast and morning routines and then again at nap time. "Please God, help me make it through lunch and please help them sleep. Help me not be crazy. Help me not take my life. Help me not take it out on my kids. Help me not be out of control. Help me not to control."
I wrote these prayers in piles of journals. My confidant. God and these writings.
All of the things I was never going to do to my kids, I did. Which added to the shame and isolation and relationship poverty. Even today, saying this is humiliating.
I broke. Finally. I crawled to get help.
I learned to trust as the counselors provided that relationship capacity so I could begin to fully participate in my life.
God never left. He continued to put people and teachers in my path and I sought healing and learning and growth. I learned how to have more healthy relationships and how to parent. God truly was and is my all in all.
I knew I had to grow or I would die.
I share my story to break the pattern of isolating pain and embracing relationship building as the answer. Healing the relationship is what God is all about.
Please know if you are dying in relationship poverty and pain...someone cares for you and believes in you. Take responsibility for this need in your life and seek healthy relationships. Change the cycle. Reach out for help.
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