HEART'S CRY

Nothing hurts or damages as much as broken trust. Trust is a precious commodity.  Not to be given away lightly.  Nor taken lightly. I believe in everyone and the positive intentionality of those I get to walk with daily.   Trust.  Believing someone else will have your back.  Will do what they say.  Will do the right things.   Confidence that they have my best interest at heart.  Trusting them to be honest and forthright. Today, I grieve. The loss of a friendship.  The loss of trust. The loss of my own misguided beliefs.  Today, I'm disappointed.  In myself.  For wanting to see what wasn't there.  For depending on a person too much and putting too much on one relationship.  For turning to someone else, when only God can meet that need. Today, I'm reflecting.  On my character.  I wanted so badly to please, that I lost sight of what was right.   When my desire to please ...

Extreme change demands extreme strategies.  So we are facing it.   Full frontal.  Head on!     It's time to live without abandon....on purpose.   Being the mother of three adult men is the highest joy of my life.  It is also the deepest and most suffocating loneliness.  I had no idea!  And maybe its just me.  They are completely independent self sufficient beings.   They don't need ideas or my great wisdom (as if they ever did) and they certainly don't need me to "do" anything.  What's a "doer/fixer" mom supposed to do?? Pout?  Fester?  Chase them around the proverbial Circle of Security?  Be prideful of my awesome parenting skills?  Nope.  I know it wasn't me.  No healthy coping skills here. I need to deal!  Accept.  Be With. To have such searing emotion on both extremes of the spectrum is beyond my expression and understanding. It i...

 When the music fades and all is stripped away.   When we realize Jesus looks deeply into our hearts and knows us for exactly who we are and who we are not.   When we come, just as we are. That's when today, yesterday and tomorrow slip away for just a moment and we simply are. Everything we think we are or want to be melts away.   In the stillness, our God places His finger upon us and we are known. Oh, how we fight this.  Run faster, do more and whatever happens, keep moving.   Stillness.  It is what He longs for us.  Stillness.  For us to "be still and really know He is God." Stillness is when we find we have forsaken Him and our first love to chase after worthless idols.  Stillness shakes our perceptions and fantasies into reality. Come, He says.  Into My stillness. Heart of Worship  Matt Redman Lyrics: Verse 1 When the music fades All is stripped away And I simply come ...

My friend passed away this week.  He and his wife and his boys are amazing people.  Good, kind, thoughtful, hard working and so full of grace.  My heart is broke and yet so full of joy and wonder.  Life matters.  One life matters greatly. She would argue with me right now and tell me all of the ways she failed in her role as caregiver and wife for the last few years.  She would want everyone to know she got frustrated and tired at times and didn't always feel so loving.  At times, she didn't want to "count it all joy" as she faced one health trial after another. I spoke with him after he had made the decision to stop treatment.  He was on his recliner in his living room, with his Bible beside him on the table.  He said, "I'm not afraid for me.  I'm going to an amazing place.  I worry for those I leave behind."  He continued to tell me how he had read the Bible in five months and reflected on why in the world he had not...

I was an 18 year old fiesty country girl when we met and 19 when we married.  My first was born soon after my 21st birthday. That was soon to be 27 years ago. Feels surreal to type those numbers.  It just doesn't seem like it has been 27 years.  It's been a long haul trip for both of us...probably for him more than me!   For the past 25 years, he has been a bi vocational Pastor.  His most recent gig (14 years) has been a surgery technician. Our boys are men and very capable young men at that.  Able to provide for themselves and live independent lives.  Parent loans are all that is left of our responsibilities.  And, maybe some remodeling. And a vehicle replacement for just the two of us. We wanted our children right away and wanted to spend ourselves on being the best parents we could be.  Not perfect.  We never came anywhere close to perfect.  But, we were all in and wanted to make our boys, our focus.  And we did. ...

My nest Some tell me it is empty As my boys have flown from my breast I find my heart is filled with plenty Hearts filled with love Expanded by grace Content as a mourning dove Wrapped in love's a warm embrace All I've gained My heart and nest expanded Surpassing any pain His love has me surrounded

Finally, wake after a horrible nightmare.  Shaky and sweaty. As I walked through my garden thinking, I wondered, "Where does my brain come up with this stuff?" I realized this "stuff," was all of the fear I wrestled with when I am awake. My fears by day become my terror at night. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of failure. Fears around letting people down. Losing things or people. Getting lost. Falling. Wow, if this is what my day to day thought life looks like, no wonder I'm tired at the end of the day! I don't even realize I'm thinking these thoughts, all the same I am obviously feeling them deeply. In light of my recent work on self-care, I see this in a new perspective.   In what ways do I become more aware of my daily feelings and process them "on the go?" Why am I holding on to anxieties and fears?  Am I drifting about life, being blown about by every feeling. How can I shift my faith in to gear and be more intent...