Pruning Busyness and Being Still

Nothing like sickness to prune away the busyness of life and cut to the heart.  Yesterday, as I sat in my chair catching my breath...I just cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Then my son texted upset about something I had said.

So then I really cried.

What a Wuss!!!!!!!

Where were these tears coming from?  Lonliness and those feelings of inferiority creeping in.  

You see busyness keeps me connected in such a way that I can forget about my heartache and lonliness for my family.

Busyness is my way of proving to myself that I'm not an annoying waste of space or a burden.  

Busyness is my excuse.  My cop out.  My camouflage.  My suit and my mask.

Busyness numbs the pain of worry and fear. 

Busyness is an addiction fed by my anxiety.

Busyness is a sin.  An idol.  A cult.

Being still sucks.  

Being still to me is as dangerous as the birds on my waterbath and the bunnies in my garden.  They flit and flap and move constantly.  They know if they are still...they are food.

Being still leaves me holding a belly full of anxiety by the side of a road.

Stillness is vulnerability and vulnerability is weakness and weakness is dangerous.

Being still is unnatural and unattainable in my own strength.  The trigger for my flight or fight regulator was broken early and is now on continually.

Being still brings me face to face with my own guilt and shame.

Stillness is pain.

And Freedom.

Stillness under the hand of an abuser is dangerous.

Stillness under the hand of God is cleansing, pruning and healing.  Bringing freedom.  Bringing peace.

Sickness shows me my ugly and my broken.  My vulnerability and my ghost.  My mask and my crutches.  

But it also reminds me of freedom in grace.  Rest in mercy.  Hope.  Peace.  Healing