HEART'S CRY

Your Mom's heart is crying for you tonight. As I dream of your little chubby hands wrapped around my hair and the sounds of your laughter as you raced around the house.  The voices and your presence, I long for. I miss you.  Sometimes I miss you so much that my heart aches. This growing up is hard to do...for me.   As I write this letter to you.  I dream. I dream about the men you are becoming.  The woman that will hold your heart and the children that will call you Dad.  The men and women that you will inspire. I dream about your undivided heart surrendered to the One and Only God.  Because I know my sweet boys that it is only He, who can fulfill the real cries of our heart. My dreams are filled with joy and laughter.  Of you coming together at Christmas-with your families.  To tell stories about each other when you were young.  To struggle to know each other.   That you will come to real...

  Listening to NPR and Writer's Almanac this week, I stumbled upon this poem. This poem intrigued me.  Reminding me of my husband, sisters , f riends, family and my boys. Of life.   For What Binds Us by Jane Hirshfield There are names for what binds us: strong forces, weak forces. Look around, you can see them: the skin that forms in a half-empty cup, nails rusting into the places they join, joints dovetailed on their own weight. The way things stay so solidly wherever they've been set down— and gravity, scientists say, is weak. And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest— And when two people have loved ...

I've learned about myself that I'm a fighter.  Maybe it is my Irish-German heritage.  Maybe it is my wild flower growing up.  Maybe it's a bad attitude.  Maybe it is a warrior and pioneer spirit inherited from my family.  Maybe it is a gift. However, it came...I want to fight when things are wrong.  When people are hurting or treated badly or if injustice is happening.  Cowardliness infuriates me. I remember a time that I was with my two younger boys in the Safeway parking lot when I heard a woman's distress.  I saw a man in a camper through the window punching a woman over and over again and was overcome with a fierce desire.  Handing the phone to my boys and sending them in to call 911, I  marched to the camper fully prepared to beat the....out of the man.    My storming gave the woman a chance to get out of the camper with a tiny baby she was holding so I ushered her to the store.  Boy was he lucky t...

When a 40 something man and woman who have spent their lives going where life takes us begins to buck the system and begin thinking about where we want to take life....it is painful. We are not a "normal" couple by any sense of the word.   My husband is one of those highly intelligent men who always has to be learning something new.   When I met him in Bible college, he was one of those eccentric guys with rainbow shoelaces, hair as long as he could get by with and drank hot tea!  Don't ask me ... but a guy who played chess, guitar, saxophone AND drank hot tea was from another world.  He loved literature and was just a little edgy.  I fell in love. Some of his drive for learning was out of desperation.  Learning the work of tires, learning to be a short order cook, working with adults with developmental delays, factory work (which is a totally different culture), instrument repair, teaching music, farming and ranching and welding, EMT and now al...

Anyone else have kids or (husbands) who answer with "sure?"  Does it drive you crazy? Sure is NOT an answer. It is a middle of the road and apathetic half answer. Sure is a "whatever" of a new generation. Did you have fun fun? "Sure."   Me.  "Sure you had fun or sure you didn't have fun?"     Sure used to have meaning.  One could take it for what it was worth. If something was sure then it was settled.  Done deal. For sure.  Make sure.  To be sure.  Being free of doubt. Secure.  Decided. To be sure ; "sure" is not going to be used as an answer to any question in this house ever again.   Ever.  Done.  FOR SURE!

All of my adult life, I have worked with children and families.  Church, daycare, childcare, preschool, health and human services and now with the Early Development Network.   During this time I've raised my boys, finished degrees and completed as many professional development classes as possible.   Guess what I have learned? Families know what is best for their children.   They don't need one more person telling them what to do, but rather a coach to come along side them to validate and ask questions to help them develop their plan. Colleges and departments and programs offer countless research opportunities, classes, degrees and advice on engaging families.  Whether it is church, education or social services...the experts are working feverishly to fix the kids or the family. When in all reality, it is the same as forcing a plant to grow.  It is not healthy.  What seeds need to grow is the environment and us ...

Part of this journey that I have set out upon is to overcome barriers and push past passion busters and hope bashers!  And then I have to deal with others! My minds eye creates a sign, made out of old wood hanging crooked on a post that says ; "BEWARE OF THE BASHERS" or "BEWARE:  DREAM BARRIERS AHEAD." O r simply, "Trespassers will be Prosecuted."       The picture is ugly. And THIS is the path I'm choosing?   Unfortunately, it can be people we are around a lot . Dreams and goals are scary and exhausting and threatening.   Dreams are even more scary to someone who doesn't. Do you ever wonder, w hy is this?  Why is it o.k. for someone to not dream and yet it is not o.k. for others to dream ?   What is it about my dream that makes you feel threatened?   Or judged?   It is perfectly fine for you.  In fact, I'm sure you are way more normal tha n me.  And, I'm go...

A flag marching in a parade or waving in a cemetery brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my spirit. I learned about patriotism in a one room school with Mrs. Eppenbaugh.  Every morning we went to the flag pole and raised the flag and said the Pledge of Allegiance.  Every evening, we carefully brought the flag in to the school, folding in just right. I learned patriotism through geography, history, literature, science and recess.  Oh yes, recess was a lesson in democracy where leaders were elected and fired.   Recess was where politics were argued and positions shared.  These discussions were quite passionate and each person took sides.  Sometimes, we argued the other position...just for fun. In addition to the patriotism lessons, I learned the value of hard word and responsibility.  It wasn't if one went to work, but rather how much and how hard.   Responsibility was an expectation.  Whining was not acceptabl...

As adults, we gripe about the lack of leadership and initiative by our country's youth and yet we never let them truly lead. Letting go is tough to do.  Letting go and facing failure, tripping and falling on our faces and seeing the very ugliest part of us is a painful thing.  However, it is in this process that we face ourselves and see what we need to see. My youth group is patiently participating in a research study!  I am typically the only official "youth leader" and yet my kids are growing in their leadership abilities and insight exponentially.  I'd like to say it has been smooth and easy going.  That would be a lie.  Many many Wednesday nights I go home in tears and collapse on my bed. But then there are nights like tonight.   Two groups led the night and planned the lesson, the activities and the homework.  I didn't do it.  I didn't micromanage or second guess and in fact, I didn't have a clue.  I didn't even che...

One of the issues I have had to come toe to toe with in this journey to better health is conquering the old belief that taking care of oneself is selfish.  Part of this I attribute to my understanding of the socialist mentality surrounding my growing up that filled me with shame and guilt of any success.   Another is misinterpretation of God's Word or at least my misunderstanding of what was being said. That being said, I also stand firm against the craziness of going around "loving ourselves" and that we somehow deserve to be prosperous and are entitled to a life of ease.   The materialistic and consumer mentality is just as dangerous! I don't think we should be selfish or greedy.  I'm not promoting narcissism or the love of money and self.  I also don't think we should use excuses to justify our lack of progress in our finances, health and spiritual life to our work for others. I am going to be able to pursue the cry ...

Have we so learned to hide those desires of our hearts and squash and ignore the passion within is that we become helpless in living our own lives? I'm thinking about ways to motivate myself, my family and my church to take our financial bull by the horn and wrestle it into submission.    I've run head on into my own flimsy excuses and misdirected passions.  Hosting a class and "helping" others set a meet goals is so much more noble then doing it for me.  Just a tad Co-dependent I'm afraid. What is it that scares me about my passion to be debt free and self-sufficient?  Why not throw my every ounce of energy and passion into meeting my own goals?   Letting fear of failure or a looming sense of hopelessness and helplessness keep me stuck in "normal" is so much easier then doing all it takes to succeed in my financial goals. The first step is to accept my own desires and passion.  Open the door and let it out.  Set it free, so to spe...

And so it begins.... Nine weeks of focus on finances and taking control of my behavior and relationship with money.  This is my second time through and I have to admit, I played games with it at first. Kind of like a cat toying with a mouse or a mouse toying with a cat.  I'll dab in this and piddle in that but not truly committed to total engagement.   The Bible clearly states that we should not be deceived and that God cannot be mocked and that a man reaps what he sows. Do it long enough to say that I tried that and that Dave Ramsey stuff just doesn 't work.  Or the crown financial.  Or Larry Burkett or Grandma's advice.   I have learned from Grandmothers, Great Grandmothers and the story of Grandma Jessie who saved the homestead by the coins pinned in her bra to pay the taxes with. When she sold eggs, she would pin a few of the coi ns in a han kerchief in her bra to save for a rainy day.       Many homesteaders...

To be able to let go of all that is not mine to do. To do what God has called me to do. To put into my family's ' lap what is theirs to take care of. And leave it there. To be able to think only ab out what is mine to think abo ut. To worry less and be still more.   To pick up the dreams and desires that God has placed within me , I'm going to have to put down the things I'm not responsible for.     God says to carry our own responsibility.  Our own little nap sack that is lig ht and designed just for us.  Not to be loaded down with everything else. My everything else is so heavy t hat I can't reach the nap s ack that is mine alone to carry.  

The year 2013 continues at full speed ahead.  This journey of becoming more healthy seems to be trudging up a very steep and curvey hill! Some of us get stuck and begin to think that our situation is out of our control and yet we continue to spin our wheels.  Some give up and roll over.  Many pretend that we are enjoying the stuck spot and others dig deeper holes. Me?  I've tried all of the above!  Many times! What a complex step it is to begin a new journey.  In fact, it can seem like a complicated a paradox. Surrender and take responsibility of your life. Be Still and Work Hard! Accept without denial and never say die. January 2013 found me deciding to meet with an accountability group for the purpose of accepting, vulnerability, surrender and being transparent while at the same time regrouping, setting goals and redefining my life. As any good gardener knows-growth also takes death and pruning.  Compost and planting. Beginning and...

Something happens within me when the robins show up at my place!  Joy bubbles up!   This I believe is a gift from Mom.  She loved the robins and told us stories about robins plucking the thorn from Jesus brow and being red breasted every since!  She told us that the birds were Praising God every morning and that we are to join them .   If she said these things without the excitement in her voice, I don't think this lesson would of stuck.  However, she has this ability to be honestly excited and childlike at times .     Helium balloons, flowers, herbs, kites, kids, flowers and robins.  Just a few of her favorite things.   So yesterday when a little boy joined me in my garden for the umpteenth time-I remembered to share excitement.  Thanks Mom !   Moms and Grandmas are not just people with good lessons and wise words.  They are not simply a person in our lives who call us and annoy us with storie...