HEART'S CRY

I'm sure if you looked back at our end of year financial records, you may say we had a few years of poverty.  My family has had some scary times and some survival times.  Honestly, I have never once felt poor.  I felt short on cash or in pickle or even scared.  My family made choices and we counted cost and prioritized.  We have made and make terrible money decisions as we learned and we are learning how to handle the resources God gives us. I never felt completely hopeless or without options.  Why?  Why haven't I given up or let up on my dreams?  My boys are asking these questions now as they venture in to their own dreams.  When they ask it, it sounds like, "Why don't you care about having money?" or "Did you know we were poor?"  "I bet according to the poverty levels etc. we were at one time." I say and I mean, "What?  We have never been poor! Poor is a mindset and we have not been poor.  We have been short, b...

So in normal life, it is hard to find the depth of relationships needed to thrive.  What happens when mental illness, addiction, abuse and other debilitating factors enter the scene?  In ones own life or in someone close to us?  When hopelessness threatens our very lives?   There is nothing quite as isolating as being trapped in one's own mind and body. There is nothing quite as hopeless as knowing one we love and adore is the one trapped. I believe the shame, guilt and defensiveness of these struggles is the true enemy to our ability to reach out and build healing connections and relationships.  The cycle of these defenses, our pride and lack of involvement from others keeps us trapped. It is our own beliefs of love, reality and God that makes or breaks us. I promised God when I was a young Mom, I would wear a sign on my back with my struggles in flashing lights if it helped one.   If I survived. As human beings, we tend t...

The poverty of identity crisis and transitions and the buffer of relationships to build the capacity to successfully move through them. If poverty is not having the capacity to fully participate, times of transitions where one's identity is in disarray is a vulnerable time.  These s seasons where we are between one time and another can be a time of great relational poverty. Young adults are one example.  Facing the metamorphosis of changing from a dependent to a fully independent one is terrifying. Facing it without the relationship and connection of trusted and healthy people is a dangerous precipice at best. Can you imagine?  A child aging out of foster care and entering this world?  A young person whose closest relationship may be present and yet fully gone.  So many parents and grandparents are so wrapped up in themselves or in substance abuse, romantic flings, mental illness or working several jobs to survive.  Our young people our...

This story is important to me.  My deep loneliness and loss and the tremendous blessing of a few very important people who helped me find the capacity to build relationships. It was a very cold spring in my tiny house in North Dakota.  All of my friends and my husband were finishing college degrees and graduating in April.  My heart hurt that I would not be one of them.  It was dark and I was so sick and exhausted.  Happy and scared to death to be a parent. Our first baby boy was due in April. I was extremely lonely.  Friends were still worried about the everyday drama of college and my family was very far away.  We were poor college kids and didn't have phone service and felt isolated and alone.  In fact, keeping heat on was a miracle.    Everything around me seemed superficial except for this life within me.  And our prenatal classes which felt like a community.  The instructor was also my WIC "lady," and had ...

Our children are facing a debilitating poverty.   The real poverty of relationship.   The lack of capacity to participate in real and meaningful relationships.  A deep poverty of the soul.  A lack of connection, secure attachment and nurturing and responsive relationships.  My kids and yours were born hardwired to seek connection and relationship.  This provides the base for their future and yet, they are not finding us available and attuned. It is not just our kids experiencing this poverty.  While we know relationships are the key to building individual capacity in all domains, we spend so little time exploring it and learning about it.  We medicate, ignore and minimize our needs for this connection.  And it is making us sick and incapable.  It reduces our capacity to succeed.   We need to reflect on it and struggle with it.  But first, we have to define it. What is a nurturing and resp...

Poverty. An emotional and multifaceted word.   An in your face word.   A word which explodes with feelings and responses. A pit in the stomach word.   Anguish.  Fear.  Worry.  Sickness. Shame.  Guilt.  Despair.  Cornered. Heavy.  Exhaustion.  Depression.  Suffocating. Poverty infiltrates a person, family and community's  identity as a virus.   A dangerous and threatening virus.  Poverty narrows ones focus and squeezes out light,  hope and life.   Poverty slashes through energy and releases the air  from one's will. Poverty is a mindset.   It is not a virtue.  It is difficult to define. It is a dynamic, relative and  subjective state. Poverty needs understood.   Poverty defined:     Merriam Webster as ...

For years I have ignored and neglected my body, mind and my health.  Actually, if truth be told, it has been 45 years.  Some steps I have been taking include chiropractic care, vitamins, walks and schedule changes.   I've done all I could to ignore my body's communication and needs.  If I could shut it up, I could ignore it. This week, I've tried to begin the process to wean myself off of an antidepressant.  I started it for post partum depression and severe headaches.   My kids are all grown and I realized my fear kept me on it. Just to clarify, 1) I believe anti-depressants are an important and critical tool.  It is up to the individual to take responsibility of oneself, and 2) if others, such as little ones, rely on you, do whatever it takes be the best for them.  It can be a tool to give you time and space to learn new strategies. And???   After a week of tapering from 150mg to 100mg, I'm ditching this effort unt...

Sex.  Can't live with it and can't live without it.  I can't believe I'm writing about this!  But, this has been an area of struggle and joy for me along all points of the spectrum. It is such a common thread in our lives. We crave it and reject it.  We allow shame, temptation, sin and hurt to taint it.  We bask in it and delight in it.  We produce and we grow in it. Sex.  Life's greatest mystery.  Two becoming one.  The combining of spiritual, emotional and physical needs.  The greatest non verbal communication!  Complete being with. Sex and marriage.  God's idea of fulfilling His plan in us and through us. Sex motivates.  Sex is a great motivator.  Those pesky natural drives that can trip us up before marriage and keep us together through marriage. Sex keeps our relationship honest.  What?   Sex seems to be a great thermometer of where we are spiritually, emotionally and in ...

My reflection today is on the number of good people exist and how much I take them for granted. I stopped to get a pop at a convenience store on the way back from work.  A dad and his son were chatting while getting fountain drinks.  The dad had grease covered jeans and a mischievous grin on his face.  "I spit on that cup," he quipped.  His son slightly embarrassed and slightly tickled at his dad turned away.  "That's o.k.," I said. "I don't mind."   "Now you can say it was used," he said.  Together they chuckled as they went out the door. A mom with her three elementary age kids were dragging in while I checked out.  She wore a nurses uniform and a weary authentic smile as they picked out "supper" for their busy night on the run. The three little babies turning to an experienced child care provider.  She is their touch point.  A secure launching point.  Her genuine laugh at the antics of the children in her ca...

Women, we have dropped the ball.  I am issuing a call to arms.   Call to arms is a "call to confront.  A call to defend against a takeover."   A call to stand up, dig in and push back.   A call to bow down, repent and wake up and pick back up the role God created for us. My heart is breaking.  Children are left to fend for themselves.  Walking the streets after dark.  Taking over their Mother's job of nurturing, protecting and providing.    Babies are set aside or set up in favor of recreation or for showing off.   Cosmetics and hair takes precedence over play and nurture of the babes of our own breast.  Partying with friends leaves children a lone while unsavory liaisons are built on the side.   While Moms are focusing on what they want or how they feel, kids are left holding the bag. And women, what the heck, confront your man.   If he is drinking, engage...

It was a cool night in Nebraska last night as I walked my dogs.  O.k., walking may not be the right description.   It was more waddling, sobbing and catching my breath. My youngest son leaves tomorrow for college.   I am thrilled, intrepid and sad.  Happy for the world to know this youngest son of mine.  Hopeful for him as he reinvents himself and follows the plans God has for him.  Aware of the struggles he will have and very sad and sorry for myself. Leaving the nest.  Empty nest. Or kicking out of nest are not terms I relate to.   Nope.  My boys are courageous and gifts.   I choose to see them as arrows shot from our bow.   Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak wit...

I love to read and feel wrapped in love with books piled around me!  In fact, I used to dream of creating a fort out of book shelves and piles of books. However, there is one book that I need above all.  It is an owner's manual.  When I read and meditate on it, I see the inner workings of my heart and mind. When I'm not running right, the answers will be in these pages. The book comes with an interpreter, teacher, counselor and friend.   The Holy Spirit brings this owner's manual to life within me.  Making it personal.   It is as if I am plugging in to a  diagnostic tool.  It reads me and The Holy Spirit searches my heart bringing conviction through truth and healing through forgiveness and grace. When my body and heart are tired, the Bible reboots and defrags my soul.  His Word nourishes and fills.  Don't worry, the Bible is an owner's manual for you as well.   We just need to plug in. ...