Seeking and Hiding

I seek. I hide. Like the old child's game of ringing the door bell and running. A constant May Day. "What is up with this?" I ask myself.

I seek relationships and then I hide from it. I seek new opportunities and then I sabotage them. I seek the truth and then I will not face it. I seek peace and then I run away. I seek God's arms and then I push away.

Logically I understand some of the reasons behind my craziness. I get attachment theory and all that comes with it. The fragmentation of survival is clear to me. Keeping oneself fragmented instead of defined and still.

But this is deeper. Spiritual. A stubbornness and refusal to put myself completely in the arms of my all in all!

I preached Sunday on Galatians 6:7 which says, "Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

Deceived. To believe something that is not true. To give a mistaken impression. In the Greek it means to wander, to cause to stray and to roam about.

I am a wanderer. On so many levels. It can be a strength. Not in this aspect however. I wander from anyone trying to get near me or that I want to be near....from God.

My basal desires show up when my guard is down. While I'm sleeping and I dream of being held for hours and hours at a time. Putting myself in the arms of He who has always and will always love me.

And...it feels good to be found!!

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