Skip to main content

Seeking and Hiding


I seek.  I hide.  Like the old child's game of ringing the door bell and running.  A constant May Day.  "What is up with this?" I ask myself. 

I seek relationships and then I hide from it.  I seek new opportunities and then I sabotage them.  I seek the truth and then I will not face it.  I seek peace and then I run away. I seek God's arms and then I push away.

Logically I understand some of the reasons behind my craziness.  I get attachment theory and all that comes with it.  The fragmentation of survival is clear to me.  Keeping oneself fragmented instead of defined and still.

But this is deeper.  Spiritual.  A stubbornness and refusal to put myself completely in the arms of my all in all! 

I preached Sunday on Galatians 6:7 which says, "Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows."  

Deceived.  To believe something that is not true.  To give a mistaken impression. In the Greek it means to wander, to cause to stray and to roam about.

I am a wanderer.  On so many levels.  It can be a strength.  Not in this aspect however.  I wander from anyone trying to get near me or that I want to be near....from God.   

My basal desires show up when my guard is down.  While I'm sleeping and I dream of being held for hours and hours at a time.  Putting myself in the arms of He who has always and will always love me.  

And...it feels good to be found!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Starting a Journey

September 3, 2010 Originally posted How to Begin a Journey 1. Pick a destination or simply start. 2. Plan a detailed itinerary or just take the first step. 3. Pack everything or travel lightly. I am choosing to just begin. To leave behind the baggage, pick up a day pack, and go. Several nights before we moved to Ogallala, I was praying about the transition when I heard that still, small voice of God. In that moment, I knew He heard my Heart's Cry. He hears every whispered plea, every unspoken longing. If I truly sit with that truth, it humbles me. What courage, boldness, passion, and decisiveness I have when I remember: He never leaves or forsakes me. He provides for my every need according to His riches in glory. My hope is to encourage you He hears your Heart's Cry too.
2 comments
Read more

1940 Canned Apple Butter: Family Root Cellar

I loved exploration as a child.  From opening the door and going down the stairs to get something from my Grandma's root cellar or exploring old homesteads while checking cows.  I credit my Mom with teaching us to appreciate those things that represented the people who had gone before us. When I moved with my husband and boys to a house on the family ranch-I began exploring immediately.  This was the house my Aunt and Uncle lived in during my childhood.  My Grandparents had lived there and many other families dating back to 1900 when it was built.   With two little boys in tow, I made my way to the root cellar and found a treasure cove.  Old text books belonging to the original family who had been a teacher, the original medicine cupboard, tools, trash and memorabilia.   I felt like an archeologist sifting through layers of debris representing generations and culture.  And I was.  I hauled truckloads of trash to the dump (some...
4 comments
Read more

Diabetes-Opened to Disease OR Open to Connecting to my Strengths

I've tried living in denial for two years after the big D diagnoses was handed over.  Honestly, I just don't want to talk about it.  Outwardly seemly calm and disconnected from it.  Inwardly terrified. As a plant that is stressed is open to disease, injury and death so to our bodies are.  I opened myself up to this.  Stress, lack of sleep, bad nutrition, overweight and lack of exercise.  For some reason I believed that if I ran fast enough and worked hard enough, I would outrun my family genes.  The tiny room in the back of my brain locked with a key has kept the fear of this disease at bay even though I could hear its screaming when life quieted down. My Aunt died piece by piece to this disease.  First a heart attack and quadruple by-pass.  Then a toe.  Next a foot.  Legs came next along with more heart attacks.  Kidneys shutting down.  She died very young. When I was little, my Aunt Ally gave herself s...
4 comments
Read more