I love snow days. School and work was called off today with blizzard conditions wrapping our little town into its white cocoon of sleepy small town slumber.
My oldest is counting the days to get back to his world I think. What a paradox growing up is. Wanting to come home and wanting to leave. Missing family while paradoxically being annoyed and frustrated. Moving from adolescence and young adulthood into a full fledged man. Shuffling and settling into new positions and new roles. Making one's own way while respecting the way we have come from. It is a tough transition...for all of us.
And yet...I'm so proud of my oldest and the man he has become. I respect his tenacity and character. He holds himself in such a way demands respect and encourages connection. He is so handsome and capable and bright. My Mom's heart worries about his. "Protect your heart," I remind him. Keep it soft and tuned in. Guard it. It is the only one you have!
What am I missing to tell him. A ticker tape of skills and lessons and memories runs through my mind driving the urge to "make sure he knows." Does he know how much I love him? Did I tell him about boundaries and addiction and codependency and financial planning? Will he always be committed to his family? How will he relate to his brothers?
While loving the mundane of shopping, cooking and watching him meticulously make chocolate covered pretzels.
All of this after he flew home early to be with us during our loss, spend days upon days reconnecting with Aunts, Uncles, cousins and brothers. "God," I breathe. "Write your love on His heart and upon the lids of his eyes. Keep his feet on the path you want him on."
My middle son with all of the "let's do this" attitude...began driving home oblivious to warnings and watches and danger. Did I tell him not to? Are you kidding me? I watched the map with the radar and road conditions obsessing over them and yet knowing that he had to make his own mind and his own way. About an hour and a half later...he pulls off the road for the night after saying that it looked like a battle field with semi trailers and cars in ditches. Very smart boy.
His first semester of college is in the books and I'm anxious to have him home for a few weeks. What a work God has done in his life. I'm so proud of him. Worried. Overcome with emotion. He is so strong and capable and aggressive and yet...he is so committed, soft and loving.
My youngest strung cranberries and popcorn for the first time for my "bird tree" that I put up and am decorating with pine cones with bird feed and other "treats." "This is dumb he said. If I had to do this, I wouldn't put up a tree." Then he walked out in his socks to hang up the strings on the snow covered tree...for his Mom.
He is my one on the first snow day of every year that would streak out in the snow the minute he got up barefoot and bare-butt. Fearless. Loving life with an exuberance that I hope he never lets go. I'm so proud of him. Trying to grow up and yet is so soft and allows me to still rub his feet and tuck him in. I'm blessed beyond measure.
So with a tummy ache that tells of all of my indiscretion today...and a heart aching with love and joy...I'm saying goodnight!
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