HEART'S CRY

Every person needs secure and strong connections. A hunger.  A pressing and urgent need.  We are hardwired for relationship!  Our brains and our lives depend on them! “Relationships matter: the currency for systemic change was trust, and trust comes through forming healthy working relationships. People , not programs, change people.” Dr. Bruce Perry This search for connection drives every aspect of our life.  Our very bra ins are at work to mediate connections.  Dr. Bruce Perry states, "The human brain is a remarkable and complex organ. It mediates all of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It is the organ that allows us to form and maintain relationships, read, write, dance and sing. There is not a single aspect of human life that doesn’t involve the brain." (https://childtrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Study_Guide_The_Boy_Who_Was_Raised_as_a_Dog.pdf) If this connection drives us, why is it so hard to attain?  T...

Restless.   It is time to make a change.  Not distract, avoid, or flee or freeze.  Accept.  Make a deliberate commitment and take steps forward.  Embracing the restlessness.  Embracing the discomfort and feel the urgency. "Sometimes the route to our purpose is a chaotic experience, and how we respond matters more than what happens to us," states Jeff Goins in his book, The Art of Work.  He continues, "everywhere you look, people are giving excuses for not pursuing what they were born to do.  ...we've accepted our lot in life.  It is what it is.   Even though we do our best to embrace reality, we are restless. " Goins xxiii While my route has been nontraditional at best and chaotic to say the least, it has led me to this point in my life today. I am here.  

I grew up in a home of passionate political convictions.  Convictions directly opposing most of the people in our community.  A home of extreme convictions.  My Grandpa came from Sweden and was as left on the political spectrum as any I have ever known. In fact, this election and the shock of those with my parents' conviction has triggered some of my own feelings of fear.  I remember vividly when President Reagan was elected.  Standing at the old swing-set at my one room school with the cold icy fear of what was to come.   The emotional responses from my family was one of fear.  Being the oldest and grasping my role tightly, I absorbed the fear of my family.  Would the world end?  How awful were the people who voted for him, I wondered.  This election triggered some of those old feelings as I watched sane people...go crazy.  People who love their children...terrify them unwittingly.   I struggled to...

My friend posted beautiful pictures of my horses.  She captures their essence perfectly. Emotion threatened to completely suffocate my heart.  I had to shut down the pictures.  Avoid, my brained screamed to avoid the pain. Accept, I remind myself. You see some of the deepest wounds and cries of our heart are so near the surface of our identity. Our defenses so well practiced and preserved and we implicitly hide behind them unknowingly.  Until a moment, brings us to our knees. The deepest cries of my heart revolve around horses and wide open prairies.  Tall grasses.  Harsh seasons and gentle rains.  The stars and the moon and the wind and horses.  Always horses.   You see, these girls represent my deepest desires and my most honest longings.  These are the friends I fled to in the early morning hours or the middle watches of the night.  They heard my pleas to God and my joy.  They helped me raise my b...

   Ecclesiastes 3 exhorts us, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every good activity under the heavens."   Times are changing and seasons come and go.   We have to let go as we reach to embrace the time we are in. As Dr. Henry Cloud states in his book, Necessary Endings,  “In the language of Ecclesiastes, are there situations in business or in life where you are trying to birth things that should be dying? Trying to heal something that should be killed off? Laughing at something that you should be weeping about? Embracing something (or someone) you should shun? Searching for an answer for something when it is time to give up? Continuing to try to love something or someone when it is time to talk about what you hate?” ― Henry Cloud , Necessary Endings:  What time are we in?  What season?  Letting go and embracing the time we are in is an intentional activity.  Embrace the process...

  A few of the books on my Audible and shelf I am reading right now.  If this is helpful, we could create a shared list.  I get ideas from my boys and colleagues and would love to get yours!  What is on your to read list?? Living Forward:  A Proven Plan to Stop Drift and Get the Life You Want   by Michael Hyatt, Daniel Harkavy  https://livingforwardbook.com/ Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge by Dr. Henry Cloud Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships  by Dr. Henry Cloud https://store.cloudtownsend.com/books.html The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, from the Boardroom to the Bedroom and Beyond .  Dr. Henry Cloud Getting to Yes with Yourself: (And other worthy opponents" by William Ury The Power of a Positive No by William Ury Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain Learned ...

As I travel, I listen to Audible books.  Yesterday's three and a half hour drive gave me some time to learn!  William Ury's book, "Getting to Yes With Yourself."  He spoke about a time he was repelling down a mountain with a friend.  They tied on to a small pine tree in haste and he almost lost his life.  He discussed the need for an anchor in order to say yes to yourself. This was a powerful object lesson to me as I was anxiously driving home to my husband and home.   My faith and my family are my anchor.  The anchor that holds me as I repel like a crazy woman in to my dreams.  I am not jumping off a learning curve, it is a learning cliff. My Anchor points: 1.  Focus.  Focus on my priorities. 2.  Attend to what matters. 3.  Inhibit all distractions and ignore my anxieties, pride, resistance.... 4.  Let go! 5.  Remember. Remember what I'm doing and how it connects from who I am and what I...

Voice.  With it God created the world.  He set it in motion. Voice.  The sound used to make words and music.  "An instrument or medium of expression. Influential power," states Merriam-Webster.   To express oneself. To find one's voice.  To meet with. To meet with it. To meet it?  To pull up a chair.  To join it.  To be it.  To encapsulate it.  To free it. The intimacy of our own voice expressed in authenticity is stunning to think about. I think of my children learning to use their voices.  Their first cry.  Their first attempts to connect and communicate their longing and needs.  "I'm cold, hungry, lonely."  When their voice shared joy and melted my heart. Their first words and the way their eyes lit up with recognition and delight.  They did that.  When they first used their voice to separate from me.  "No, I'll do it myself." The sound of my voice desp...

I'm DONE! I have said this...at least one million times. Done with status quo. Done with broke. Done with hopelessness and helplessness. Done with being stuck. Done with the pain of the same. I'm Done with my own prison. Done with staying the same. My track record for change is pretty chaotic.    The pattern looks more like a series of stops and starts instead of a well designed journey.  I've grown and I've changed.  I've won some victories and I've lost battles.  I've pushed, ground, driven and leaned in and fallen.   My sense of urgency and energy waxes and waned.  I self medicate with thoughts and distractions to relieve myself from the fight.  To bring myself back into my comfort zone and equilibrium. This time.  I'm done.  Done for good.   I will trip and I will fall and fail.  I will move forward and I will finish the race.  I will STAY done!

Growing up on a ranch teaches urgency within the natural day to day routines.  The cows are getting ready to calf.  Urgent!  Hay to move, cows to move, barns to be readied and supplies to be on hand.   Haying and harvesting.  Urgent.  The hay is only ready to cut for a short time and the window of opportunity for planting and harvest is narrow.  As girls we didn't say, "sorry we can't get up early today" or "we will do that later."    When the clouds gathered and the weather reports forecast a storm...urgency became even more urgent.  The entire family went to work.  Little ones were gathering kindling and picking up the house.  Everyone was working bringing in wood, baking or cooking, ensuring we had water on hand and bringing in the animals and preparing for the worst.  Everyone doing the work that needed done. Seasons were embraced. Today in my life, I need to embrace the season I am in.  T...

This morning, or middle of the night, finds me on an interstate.  Heading to training to expand my income options. The one radio station I can get  was playing the song "here I go again on my own." While this song is about love, it fits my husband and my current journey.   I feel very comfortable on the interstate with my trucker friends  right now as the road still leads me with its promise of freedom and independence.  Hope. I get the drive of the pioneers who drove across the middle of nowhere to seek new lives and the pilgrims crossing the ocean for religious freedom.  An ache in my heart fuels my exploration! See you...on the road!

Finding my voice? I have been using my voice since birth!  I learned to talk early.  "Hut hut hike," were my first words.  My Uncle was a Broncos fan.  Words have always been fascinating to me!  Leaving something unsaid is one of the worst things one could do. My mother blamed it on the Irish gift of gab.  My husband on having to have the last word.  I blame my brain's desire to process verbally.  Whatever it is, I tend to get in trouble with it.  "Heather talks too much." was on my report card all 12 years. So why am I trying to "find my voice" or "uncover it"  right now?  It is important to me to be an influence and to encourage others in a way others find helpful.  I've spent a lifetime questioning and second guessing myself.  To the point of being unsure which exactly is my voice.  And to own it.  Or as Dr. Henry Cloud stated, "to be ridiculously in charge" of it. I want to find my writing voice....

I bought my son a package of oreo cookies last night.  Oreo cookies and a note.   Oreos are amazing because they combine the beginning and the end with the gooey good stuff in the middle. In between times seem to be most of the time.   Time between beginning and finishing.   Times of limbo and times of transition.   Times of waiting or resting or growing.  The in between time is when we embrace the process.  Not making things happen or simply wishing for things to happen. Rather, embracing the process.  Taking the step.   Actively being still.   Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on what we’re waiting for. — Charles Stanley, pastor and author

Nothing hurts or damages as much as broken trust. Trust is a precious commodity.  Not to be given away lightly.  Nor taken lightly. I believe in everyone and the positive intentionality of those I get to walk with daily.   Trust.  Believing someone else will have your back.  Will do what they say.  Will do the right things.   Confidence that they have my best interest at heart.  Trusting them to be honest and forthright. Today, I grieve. The loss of a friendship.  The loss of trust. The loss of my own misguided beliefs.  Today, I'm disappointed.  In myself.  For wanting to see what wasn't there.  For depending on a person too much and putting too much on one relationship.  For turning to someone else, when only God can meet that need. Today, I'm reflecting.  On my character.  I wanted so badly to please, that I lost sight of what was right.   When my desire to please ...

Extreme change demands extreme strategies.  So we are facing it.   Full frontal.  Head on!     It's time to live without abandon....on purpose.   Being the mother of three adult men is the highest joy of my life.  It is also the deepest and most suffocating loneliness.  I had no idea!  And maybe its just me.  They are completely independent self sufficient beings.   They don't need ideas or my great wisdom (as if they ever did) and they certainly don't need me to "do" anything.  What's a "doer/fixer" mom supposed to do?? Pout?  Fester?  Chase them around the proverbial Circle of Security?  Be prideful of my awesome parenting skills?  Nope.  I know it wasn't me.  No healthy coping skills here. I need to deal!  Accept.  Be With. To have such searing emotion on both extremes of the spectrum is beyond my expression and understanding. It i...

 When the music fades and all is stripped away.   When we realize Jesus looks deeply into our hearts and knows us for exactly who we are and who we are not.   When we come, just as we are. That's when today, yesterday and tomorrow slip away for just a moment and we simply are. Everything we think we are or want to be melts away.   In the stillness, our God places His finger upon us and we are known. Oh, how we fight this.  Run faster, do more and whatever happens, keep moving.   Stillness.  It is what He longs for us.  Stillness.  For us to "be still and really know He is God." Stillness is when we find we have forsaken Him and our first love to chase after worthless idols.  Stillness shakes our perceptions and fantasies into reality. Come, He says.  Into My stillness. Heart of Worship  Matt Redman Lyrics: Verse 1 When the music fades All is stripped away And I simply come ...

My friend passed away this week.  He and his wife and his boys are amazing people.  Good, kind, thoughtful, hard working and so full of grace.  My heart is broke and yet so full of joy and wonder.  Life matters.  One life matters greatly. She would argue with me right now and tell me all of the ways she failed in her role as caregiver and wife for the last few years.  She would want everyone to know she got frustrated and tired at times and didn't always feel so loving.  At times, she didn't want to "count it all joy" as she faced one health trial after another. I spoke with him after he had made the decision to stop treatment.  He was on his recliner in his living room, with his Bible beside him on the table.  He said, "I'm not afraid for me.  I'm going to an amazing place.  I worry for those I leave behind."  He continued to tell me how he had read the Bible in five months and reflected on why in the world he had not...

I was an 18 year old fiesty country girl when we met and 19 when we married.  My first was born soon after my 21st birthday. That was soon to be 27 years ago. Feels surreal to type those numbers.  It just doesn't seem like it has been 27 years.  It's been a long haul trip for both of us...probably for him more than me!   For the past 25 years, he has been a bi vocational Pastor.  His most recent gig (14 years) has been a surgery technician. Our boys are men and very capable young men at that.  Able to provide for themselves and live independent lives.  Parent loans are all that is left of our responsibilities.  And, maybe some remodeling. And a vehicle replacement for just the two of us. We wanted our children right away and wanted to spend ourselves on being the best parents we could be.  Not perfect.  We never came anywhere close to perfect.  But, we were all in and wanted to make our boys, our focus.  And we did. ...

My nest Some tell me it is empty As my boys have flown from my breast I find my heart is filled with plenty Hearts filled with love Expanded by grace Content as a mourning dove Wrapped in love's a warm embrace All I've gained My heart and nest expanded Surpassing any pain His love has me surrounded

Finally, wake after a horrible nightmare.  Shaky and sweaty. As I walked through my garden thinking, I wondered, "Where does my brain come up with this stuff?" I realized this "stuff," was all of the fear I wrestled with when I am awake. My fears by day become my terror at night. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of failure. Fears around letting people down. Losing things or people. Getting lost. Falling. Wow, if this is what my day to day thought life looks like, no wonder I'm tired at the end of the day! I don't even realize I'm thinking these thoughts, all the same I am obviously feeling them deeply. In light of my recent work on self-care, I see this in a new perspective.   In what ways do I become more aware of my daily feelings and process them "on the go?" Why am I holding on to anxieties and fears?  Am I drifting about life, being blown about by every feeling. How can I shift my faith in to gear and be more intent...

I want to leave a legacy. Legacy: Something that is received from someone who died. S omething transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past <the  legacy  of the ancient philosophers  A heritage or birthright. The truth is, I will leave a legacy behind.  A legacy for my children and their children's children.  Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.   "A good person leaves an inheritance for their children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous." Prov. 13:22 He knows he is part of something bigger than himself and thinks of those who are coming after.  He lives his live purposefully, with intention and honorable.  I see this person as some who has lived out their faith and is now passing on a legacy to their children's children. This is such a driving factor for m right now, I wrote my eulogy.  Now, I have to live up to it!  I have some work to ...